Beyond Manners and into the Meaning of Giving

By Jessica Orange

For thoughts about giving see Guidance on Holiday Giving

In the world of childhood etiquette, there are two big rules when it comes to receiving presents: no matter how oversized, scratchy or sock-like the gift is, you must accept it graciously, and always, always send a thank-you note.

You know you have entered adulthood when Thanksgiving no longer marks the beginning of the magical holidays, but instead ushers in the start of Obligation Season and your endless wish lists are replaced by even longer to-do lists. Regardless of religious tradition, the time between Thanksgiving and New Years brings celebrations, many of which include some type of gift giving. From client gifts, and host gifts, to presents for friends and family, navigating each of these channels can be daunting. But the holidays also offer an opportunity to break away from the refined rules of etiquette and expectation to examine the larger forces that govern our desire to connect with and show our appreciation for one another.

Uh, thanks?

Perhaps nothing epitomizes the obligatory gift as well as the stocking stuffer. Hopefully no personal example ever comes close to the scene in "127 Hours," the film depiction of hiker Aron Ralston's heroic effort to free himself after being pinned by a rock in the remote Utah desert. In a cheeky aside to the camera when he realizes his only hope is to amputate his own arm, he bemoans the cheap multi-tool he has with him because he couldn't find his nicer Swiss Army Knife before he left home. "This thing came free with a flashlight. Flashlight was a piece of [junk] too…Not that I'm blaming you mom. It was a perfectly great stocking stuffer." Ouch.

At its best, meaningful generosity, and gracious acceptance, requires a measure of vulnerability. A friend told me about his first night with his Spanish-speaking host family while studying abroad. Despite the language barrier and the culture shock of accepting the hospitality of those who have little compared to his life of privilege, he felt like everything was going really well. He wasn't exactly following the dinner conversation, but everyone was doing their best to make him feel included. When his host mother sighed and said what he heard to be, "Gracias. Adios," he was surprised and embarrassed. Feeling he had misread the situation and overstayed his welcome, he clumsily got to his feet and offered to help clear the table. His sudden movement baffled everyone, and they tried to ask him where he was going. Somehow in the midst of all the confusion, he was able to convey that he thought she had said "Thank you. Good-bye," so he was trying to make a polite exit. In reality she had said, "Gracias a Diós," meaning "thank you to God." She was grateful for my friend being there to share a meal with her family. By being fully present with his "new family" and accepting their generosity, he was, unknowingly, giving them a kind of gift.

As writer G.B. Stern famously said, "Silent gratitude isn't much use to anyone." While it is certainly hard to argue with her logic, a 2006 etiquette poll conducted by the Lenox Company revealed that nearly half of us do not indeed always send our thanks. So if silent gratitude isn't worth much, what about giving big gifts very quietly?

One of the side effects of the "new economy" has been the increase of anonymous gifts within the established philanthropic community. An April 30, 2009 article in the Chronicle of Philanthropy cited a 15 percent increase in the number of $1million or more gifts given anonymously. How do the experts explain this change? During these economically stressful times people who are doing well don't want to seem insensitive or "gauche" in front of others who are struggling. They may also be supporting fewer causes or shifting their focus to basic human services and do not want to raise expectations that the shift will be permanent once the economy improves and the immediate need decreases.

Transactional Giving

There may be some additional social forces at work as well. Researchers who had initially set out to determine how much greed a group would tolerate were stunned to find that people who give more than others are just as likely to be outcast as those who took more and gave less. To find out why this was happening, they repeated the study. The results presented in an August, 2011 Livescience.com article aptly titled, "Moochers and Do-Gooders Both Shunned," found that nearly two-thirds of participants felt the more generous group members "made us all look bad." Additionally, some were suspicious that the generous outlier would eventually want to collect on his generosity, possibly then taking more than the rest.

While it may surprise us to learn just how complex our social rules, attitudes and expectations around giving truly are, they are not without precedent. Consider the complex and often misunderstood potlatch tradition. Simply translated the Chinook term, "potlatch" means "giving." As practiced by numerous native tribes of the Pacific Northwest, the potlatch was part of a complex social and economic system. Simply put, the potlatch host provides his guests with a feast during which he bestows gifts to each of them, at times based on their stature in the community. The ceremonies could be extravagant and last for days. While often held to mark significant life events such as marriages, births or deaths, the host could also expect to enjoy an increase in his social standing among those invited to the potlatch.

Toward Unconditional Giving

In a study on Native American philanthropy, the organization Learning to Give offers this insight from Wilson Justin, a member of the Northwestern Pacific Tlingit tribe: "In Native cultures, philanthropy means the honor of giving." Philanthropy extends honor to both the donor and the recipient and gift giving is a constant, an expression of the interconnectedness of living things. This sentiment is echoed among many world cultures.

In her article "Traditions of Giving in Hinduism," Sharada Sugirtharajah writes that the concept of dana, or giving, is a fundamental element of the Hindu sense of religious duty, or dharma. She writes, "We are not asked to renounce wealth but rather our sense of possession. Whatever we give will have no value if we part with our wealth reluctantly." Using a passage from the Bhagava Gita, she explains that gifts given reluctantly or with expectation of advantage, or gifts given without regard for the recipient's feelings are harmful to both parties. On the other hand, when a gift is given "without any expectation of appreciation or reward" both parties enjoy the benefit of the exchange. (www.alliancemagazine.org)

As we feel ourselves slip into the task oriented bustle of the holiday season, taking a moment to reorient our perspective can help elevate seasonal gift giving from an obligation to a meaningful exchange. This traditional Tlingit poem offers a beautiful and timeless perspective on what we stand to gain by opening ourselves to the joy of our time together:

As a man stands on earth
He has only two reasons
For being here:
Living and dying.
And whatever comes between
Is just a form
of being remembered.

Jessica Orange is a freelance writer in the Twin Cities.